Saturday, June 23, 2012

Review, NOT! Snow White and the Huntsman

Firstly, madness! Kristen Stewart is Snow White? The fairest of them all? Supposedly hotter than Charlize Theron? Which retard did the casting? Some lady called Lucy Bevan it seems.

So nevermind the obvious casting disaster. This movie was supposed to offer a dark take on the famous fairy tale that inspired it. By fairest blood it was done, and only by fairest blood...and a bit of rutted acting, some problematic pacing and a pinch of confused script...can it be undone.

Each time the word "fair" was mentioned in the film, one can't help but to wonder on which planet is Kristen Stewart supposed to be hotter than Charlize Theron? Rupert Sanders effortlessly manages to waste a lifetime opportunity to deliver a definitive Snow White for the 21st century audience in contemporary cinematic experience. Nevermind the missing classical scene of preparing the poison apple or the prince's kiss that resurrected Snow White.

Some parts of the movie looked stunning, entrancing and enchanting with its highly design-driven production but there is no heart in this latest remake of the Grimm Brother's story. That was why Queen Ravenna needed Snow White's heart!

Other parts of the movie were draggy, corny in some parts, and pointless in others. It felt like the film crew was just shoehorning the Snow White elements in and almost seemed as if the movie got its cue from Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones. If only it were as epic as the former or as insanely incestful as the latter. Speaking of which, did anyone noticed the White Tree of Gondor sigil on her shield? Why on Middle Earth is it there?

But the movie isn't all that bad. The plants, especially the one-eyed mushrooms and of course the fairies were all delightful and pleasing to the eyes. Almost seemed like you're journeying through the insanely rich and exotic wilderness of Pandora from Avatar. There is even enough animal relief in the show to make you wanna start singing "hi ho, hi ho".

One could swear that strong hints of Joan of Arc were also evident in Snow White, considering the fact she was reciting the Lord's Prayer. But if that were the case, no one could swear upon it then supposedly!

Kristen Stewart totally ruined the movie for most people. There is no way she can be accepted as the fairest of them all. Not when she's standing next to Charlize Theron. The goddess Charlize "hot even when covered in milk" Theron!

Ultimately, one could probably chanced that Kristen Stewart is perhaps THE fairest of them all. Because maybe she is obviously fair. As in really skin pale fair. Instead of Snow White, she should have been casted as a snowman...or snowoman, whatever.


Mike Hood said...

That's amusing. I made a post about this film on Friday, and today I discovered your post in which you say things so similar to me that it looks like I copied you. I didn't! Great minds think alike?

My post is here.

Han said...

Hey Mike, damn, only saw your comment today. A shame blogspot doesn't have a better way of comments notification between readers and bloggers. Thanks for the feedback. I read your post too. Great minds think alike!