What was once a seemingly straight road is now twisted, bent and forked.
This dreamscape I have or had...will it ever be written or walked?
The world is now a smaller place to me. This landscape that I tread upon is a carpet of indiscernible fate. Its outline so unapparent I am blinded by uncertainty and indecision.
I am struggling...no. I have been struggling for months. Or is it years now? Is it that hard to know a man's path in life? I've heard all the stories there is to know about discovering yourself, finding your destiny in life, becoming the person you are meant to be and more. These so called truisms come no where near in steering me towards a funneling point.
I keep revisiting these truisms like a phantom haunting my own past. And I've always had a hunch I knew what I wanted to do in life. What I wanted to become. What I know I am capable of, even if only in dreams. But too often the path spawned from an idea in the deepest chasm of my subconscious leads not to action.
It is always held back by my own pragmatic sieve. And the intuitive part takes hold and gets evaporated away by my own inferior flame.
I recall vividly the very enlightening moment I had about 2 months ago during a training I attended. In one of the sessions, I was asked to reflect deeply within me what I really wanted to do with my life if all constraints were taken away...if I had the world as my time. The possibilities were limitless but my subconscious only zeroed in on one thing that mattered.
The one thing that has defined me in the past couple of years. The thing that I take for granted so often but yet find so much joy and satisfaction in doing. The one thing I know for sure people recognize me for. Or is it all just part of me looking through a reflective mirror engulfed by wisps of wishful thinking? If that was even possible...and that is exactly my point!
The deadline approaches and I have to decide soon. To many, it may just be a small step. But to me, it is about breaking my inner limits. Coming out of my psychological shell to do that one thing that will put an end to all the self-doubts. For the hardest part is mustering that courage I know that will push me forward.
So will it come to the juncture? Where I'll say "There, I've done it. I've written my future".
Be that as it may, I will undoubtedly take that sentence up to its literal meaning at the end of the day. God willing. Please grant me the courage I so badly need for I see now...
I know that courage is the discovery that I may not win, and trying when I know I may lose.