Thursday, July 22, 2010

A Specter's Past

What was once a seemingly straight road is now twisted, bent and forked.
This dreamscape I have or had...will it ever be written or walked?

The world is now a smaller place to me. This landscape that I tread upon is a carpet of indiscernible fate. Its outline so unapparent I am blinded by uncertainty and indecision.

I am I have been struggling for months. Or is it years now? Is it that hard to know a man's path in life? I've heard all the stories there is to know about discovering yourself, finding your destiny in life, becoming the person you are meant to be and more. These so called truisms come no where near in steering me towards a funneling point.

I keep revisiting these truisms like a phantom haunting my own past. And I've always had a hunch I knew what I wanted to do in life. What I wanted to become. What I know I am capable of, even if only in dreams. But too often the path spawned from an idea in the deepest chasm of my subconscious leads not to action.

It is always held back by my own pragmatic sieve. And the intuitive part takes hold and gets evaporated away by my own inferior flame.

I recall vividly the very enlightening moment I had about 2 months ago during a training I attended. In one of the sessions, I was asked to reflect deeply within me what I really wanted to do with my life if all constraints were taken away...if I had the world as my time. The possibilities were limitless but my subconscious only zeroed in on one thing that mattered.

The one thing that has defined me in the past couple of years. The thing that I take for granted so often but yet find so much joy and satisfaction in doing. The one thing I know for sure people recognize me for. Or is it all just part of me looking through a reflective mirror engulfed by wisps of wishful thinking? If that was even possible...and that is exactly my point!

The deadline approaches and I have to decide soon. To many, it may just be a small step. But to me, it is about breaking my inner limits. Coming out of my psychological shell to do that one thing that will put an end to all the self-doubts. For the hardest part is mustering that courage I know that will push me forward.

So will it come to the juncture? Where I'll say "There, I've done it. I've written my future".

Be that as it may, I will undoubtedly take that sentence up to its literal meaning at the end of the day. God willing. Please grant me the courage I so badly need for I see now...

I know that courage is the discovery that I may not win, and trying when I know I may lose.


Anonymous said...

Thats what life is all about, aint it? Step out of the comfort zone to explore, u will never what it might turn out to be. Thats the reason why proverb state that the man plan the course, but God determine the steps that u take...It will not be fun & exciting anymore if everything is within yr finger tips..Thats why time is precious, u can always earn money but not time!Instead of asking what the outcome will turn out to be, why not think will u regret if u do or do not do it?God bless Wei Han

Han said...

Yeah, that's why I know for sure I'd regret it if I don't do this for myself :) Thanks for some wise words there.

Ling said...

quite an emotional and close to the heart entry for u. if its ur passion, just do it as u never know what u'll end up with. nothing to lose, right?

Michelle Chin said...

You will have to find your way between "what I want" and "what is pragmatic". It's easier to put it in words than to actually do it but as long as you are contented with what you are doing, it should be fine.

Han said...

Nothing to lose. But when caught in a very demanding day job, more often than not your hobbies and passions get pushed back. Probably a weak excuse but I guess realizing it is the first step.

Negotiating between realism and idealism is what I've been pretty familiar with. It's just that as social captives to an apathetic world, breaking that sociological and psychological shell that is the toughest part. But at least now I am preparing for it. Thanks :)

kcy said...

Han, always seen you as a person who's planned out your life and know what you want. Don't take this roadblock too seriously and don't treat this opportunity as if it's the only one and the last one. If it's in you, it'll always be there and a bigger better boat will just sail around come the next trip.

Bram said...

It sucks that we live in a country where working hours are ridiculously long, thanks to an incompetent and typical asian management culture. i can count so many ppl i know whom are in a job they hate or at best, is not passionate about and all for the sake of $$$.

Han said...

Guess now you know I have a very daily and realistic kind of flaw :) True, shouldn't be too caught up with this boat. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. So said a very wise doctor a long time ago when I was applying for my current job.

Yes, totally agree! Western cultures work much, much less hours than us and yet are able to retain that efficiency and sustainability in the company. For e.g. who are we to say Australians in general are lazy people? I think before we stereotype the western culture, we should look at ourselves.

Anonymous said...

Since u knw for sure u will regret if u do not do it, just wonder what is holding u back? As mentioned, u can always earn money but not time. Time is precious. Cut all the excuses away..When u grow older n doing things u like, u are excited abt it, u wanna see more, u wanna do more. Seems like u are trap in a daily life doing things that u dislike yet still struggling to get out of it. The time that u are using to think or plan isn't helping u much.Instead u seem to get more depress simply bcos u are trying to determine the outcome of yr future. Well, instead of asking how, what, when, who...Why not take the courage and do it? Well i guess thats not the main problem, the main problem is- IS this what i want and what makes me happy after u get what u want? Am i right?

Han said...

Nothing's holding me back anymore. I'm decided.

I guess most ppl today are trapped in their daily routines and very few individuals are living the life that they truly desire.

Your last sentence is right, and also wrong to me. I know I'll be happy after getting what I want. But it's the possibility of going even further than that, that is downplaying my ambition.

CJ said...

buddy, still dreaming of flying? guess deep down in all of us, we wish of doing that something that is ideal in life. reality is often harsher.

Anonymous said...

Well then, mind me say this...Knwing what is just and right yet not doing it is worst than a cowardice! Actually everyone can give u all kinds of advise and opinion, but in the end this is yr life. Don't compare yrself with anyone in the world. If u do so, aren't u just insulting yrself and questioning yr capability? Instead why not pray and ask God? God is with u, nth can come against you. What God has intended for you goes far beyond anything you can imagine....God always use ordinary ppl do extraordinary thing...

Han said...

Welcome back~ and well said also. As for the flying part, that is a past memory. Only interested in planes and going to LIMA every few years to update myself with latest tech. LOL! Maybe occasionally be jealous of those few lucky pilots who get to experience that life ;)

Strong words. And yet so true, eh? I wouldn't wanna be a coward to my own fate. Thanks for your encouragement once again.