Devious Inception

KUALA LUMPUR: A massive nationwide joint operation was conducted by the local law enforcement and the state police reserves yesterday. It was the largest operation executed within the last 5 years eclipsing past major operations like those of Ops Sikap I, II, III, IV, ABC, JKL, RST, XYZ, Alpha, Iota, Omega and Zeta.

Roadblocks were setup at main highways, high-traffic exits and major shopping malls. Field reports indicated that all motor vehicles displaying the logo of the famous UK-based football club Manchester United were stopped and its drivers detained for questioning.

This action was a direct result from the ruling by the nation’s leading Fatwa scholars 5 days ago where the iconic symbol of the most successful football club on the planet (Manchester United) was deemed unislamic and is now illegal.

Eyewitness accounts reported the presence of expert Fatwa Extractors at the roadblocks. These highly-trained and highly-paid Extractors had standing orders to remove all visible and unlawful logos from the detained vehicles. In cases where the logos were irremovable, the vehicles were impounded and sent for scrapping.

An anonymous Extractor was approached for comments, “The f***! I don’t know why the f*** I am doing this. It is just my f***ing job and I just do it. Ask the f***ers at the Fatwa administration. I am just doing it for the f***ing money”.

The operation also showcased expert planning and execution as Fatwa Fireteams were strategically deployed at 5km radiuses throughout the Klang Valley to respond to any emergency requests to carry out their purpose. They were tasked with the unique responsibility of destroying these heretic logos onsite by incinerating it with extreme prejudice.

Traffic jams were widely reported throughout the Klang Valley. Priscilla Patrick who is a recognized local radio station personality broke the Guinness World Record for the longest traffic jam report at 3 hours 25 minutes and 7 seconds long.

It was an ugly scene of chaos as motor vehicles were in a deadlock. Traffic standstills at major shopping malls were reported to extend 10km to all directions. Most of these weekend shoppers were clueless about the cause of the jam and were stupefied to learn about the reason when they reached the roadblocks.

Reliable eyewitnesses indicated that motor vehicles with football team logos bearing the cross sign were being pulled over as well. A source reported that a Brazilian by the name of Felipo Fatwanha who was on a 2-month long vacation in KL was stopped by the police when his rented car was spotted displaying the Brazil football team logo. Subsequent investigation confirmed with a source from the Immigration that a certain Mr. Fatwanha left the country yesterday night via China Airways. He forfeited his Malaysian Airlines return ticket to Brazil which he accidentally left on the ticket counter. When reporters requested access to the ticket, a note was found written on the backside of the ticket which reads MH – MALAYSIAN HYPOCRISY.

Terror incidents were also reported at The Gardens and Pavilion shopping malls. Fatwa Forgers in plain clothes were seen stalking and harassing shoppers donning football jerseys like Man Utd, England, Portugal and Barcelona. Witnesses to the incidents reported that these unsuspecting shoppers were asked to remove their jerseys. The offenders were escorted to the nearest fitting rooms or toilets to facilitate the surrender of the contraband jerseys. The Forgers were also considerate enough to provide the hapless shoppers replacement jerseys in various size and colour. These replacement jerseys came with a set of printed number and name.

A clueless Portuguese offender who refused to be named on the matter was approached to comment on the actions of the Forgers and their thoughtful gesture, "Oh, I thought they (Forgers) were very professional and committed. And also very creative. The jersey is very nice too. The number is 1 and the name is Malaysia."

In other news, raids were simultaneously executed and spearheaded by Fatwa Pointmen at all sports outlet nationwide. All illicit football jerseys at these outlets were confiscated. Mysteriously there were no Fatwa Fireteams reported present onsite. Journalists on duty at The Gardens and Pavilion gave a similar report. The Police Commander issued a statement this morning that the value of the goods confiscated from the nationwide raids is worth RM7.8 million (USD2.3 mil) - equivalent to the amount allocated for the establishment of 14 Special Corruption Sessions Courts and 4 Special Corruption Appeal High Courts in the 2010 Budget.

A Miss Fatima Wahab aged 25, branch owner of a highly successful local sports franchise called Al-Ikhsan was seen in tears and traumatized by the audacity and persecution of the Pointmen, "Why they did it? I just opened my shop 3 weeks ago. It's my life savings. Now I am bankrupt. How am I going to pay the loan? Pay my rent? How am I to support my mother?” She was later observed entering Wisma MCA the evening of the same day.

An Indian boy at the scene who refused to be named but chose to be interviewed said, "Why did they (Pointmen) also took the Liverpool jerseys? Their logo are just birds!"

Mr. Fatil Watul, the Pointmen in charge at the scene responded, "Liverpool’s jersey promotes alcoholic beverages (Carlsberg). Alcohol is unislamic".

Major local newspaper journalists and TV station reporters combined resources to pinpoint the location of the elusive Fatwa Architect – the mastermind behind the carefully planned and perfectly executed operation. Overwhelming public outcry demanded an explanation from the Fatwa Administration. After combining resources and cross checking their network databases, the Architect was located at a mamak stall in Petaling Jaya.

When found, the Architect was wearing a football jersey from that of the Everton football club. Reporters enthusiastically questioned the Architect about the illegal jersey he was wearing, “Why? Everton’s jersey is just promoting elephant wildlife from a place called Chang in Thailand”.