Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Faithless Believer

I have always looked in envy of other families that embrace, live and understand the greater intricacies of familial kinship. Gazing at these little pockets of copious solidarity through my love-tinted glasses, I fervently venerate the jaunty adulation witnessed in silent reverie for as long as I can remember.

Of course, someone will constantly remind me that the grass is always greener on the other side. That may be true but only to the extent of its unembroidered meaning. I would think that this is the case because we look across to the greener side where the light shines brighter. I will then say we should let in more light into our own lives instead of counting on the luminosity from the other fount.

Whatever the reason or circumstances we all find ourselves in, it never is pleasant or heartening to learn of a friend's adversity. The story that was shared made me realize that in a larger world, we're all going through the same endeavour at home. We are no different than our neighbours, colleagues, friends and other passing acquaintances in our life.

I used to pity myself a lot and I still do nowadays. The insidious discontentment I have inside built from years and years of enduring the contemptible in my sanctuary has spawned me into two things from my chasm of careless whispering - the faithless believer and the desirous dreamer.

That is why when I see the beginnings of a similar chronicle happening unto a close friend, I cannot help but to be supportive and understanding. It has also make me search deeper within my soul to better understand my own probity. Virtue as I see it, is wielded like a double-edged sword. No matter where it slashes, you are the one grasping its hilt. When it has executed your will, you sheathe the sword of withered belief back into its scabbard of virtuous rectitude.

When the seemingly unbreakable trust in a family crumbles down after years of storming through all kinds of weather, you start to wonder about many things and question the weight and intimacy of its origin. The layers of trust in a family is interlaced with sinuous lies and truths. As the saying goes - it takes years to build trust but seconds to destroy it. What the storytellers failed to continue divulging is that Lies is its number one nemesis.

When a group of emotionally interdependent creatures realize that even the most steadfast among them can succumb to the wiles of a sinner's sin, it is truly heartbreaking to listen - even more so to be the one living through it.

I do not know how we will all pick ourselves up from here. I do not know what holds for us in the futurescape of an uncertain and seemingly lost cause, at least for my part. I do not wish to open up myself again because my sword has a broken hilt.

I can only pray and hope the best for those joining into the fray now and continue to be my own desirous more the faithless believer whose own dreamwalking reflection echoes the ripple of yesterday's promise.

From the tranquility of the still waters I can understand how it is that lying makes a problem part of the future while the truth makes a problem part of the past.


Anonymous said...

~To err is human, to forgive is divine~

Despite of all the lies and betrayal within family, we all will eventually learn how to forgive and continue to have faith that everything will turn out for better...All events (be it good or bad) happen for a reason, I'm sure... guess we just need to make the best out of it... After all, family's all we have...

Han said...

I know what you mean. As I mentioned the other day, it is still early. Do not let it drag on for years. I know in the end, your family will find the strength to forgive and forget. But sometimes don't you ever wonder that we spend our whole lives telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason when in reality it is we who gives reasons to everything that happens?

Sad but true, family's all we got ultimately. We do not choose our parents and sibblings.

悦子 said...

"We do not choose our parents and sibblings."

you know I always read your article and it make me practice my english as well.

FAMILY = the most intimate and yet the most struggle part for my life!

TRUST = is really hard to built up but easily to ruin in few seconds.

but don't you think that Human still continue to survive even though they knew that their final end is DEAD?

i supposed you knew a little bit of my life path...sad, sad, sad......
but i do believe, eager to believe people now and even in the future.

some opinions after your article!


Han said...

always happy to have you sharing your thoughts here. yeah, for me as i grow older i realize family becomes more and more important. and in some ways, the friendships that i so idolize during my younger days are becoming more superficial and materialistic. it's what everyone goes through so it's not to mean that friends become "faker" as they grow older or wat.

but family is the most important thing anyone should have because at the end of the day, companies can replace you in days even though you've worked in it for more than 20 yrs. friends can replace you by their other long list of friends no matter how close. even your partner can replace you (but it depends the level of relationship). but family has to deal with your absence for the rest of their life and that is the toughest part of it all.


Anonymous said...

you're right... however, it's also difficult to salvage whatever that's left in a broken family...

It's just like a broken vase... once broken,... no matter how you piece them back... the cracks remains... and it can never be whole again...

I truly HATE to see it this way.. Still struggling to accept it as a fact..and constantly trying to have a little faith in changing that perception...hope I'm not deceiving myself... *shrug shoulders*

Han said...

Does it matter if the cracks remain? To me, the idea of "whole" is that the vase can still contain the water inside just the same as before, crack or no crack. Only you will know whether you are deceived by yourself or not in the end, but through your self-discovering journey, continue to be strong for yourself and cultivate faith because when all is lost and gone, faith is what we really have and truly own and no one can take that away from us.